Three weeks ago my life was overpowering me. I felt like the bubbles that boil over in the pot when you're making mac n' cheese but you forget to stir the noodles for a while. I let too many things build up at once, and eventually, they all started to boil over. After crying it out, I think I have finally stirred my life together in some sense, enough to simmer down my feelings and start thinking about the next steps. You know, adding the butter, milk and packet of powdered cheese. Mmmmmm.
While there have been many a topic on my mind recently, today sparked a new thought. Before we get into it, I need to introduce you to Martin Matak, aka Party Marty. Party Marty is a family friend, my boss and lately, my therapist. He has had a front row ticket to all of my freak out performances this summer, so he really knows what's up. He's also going to be super pumped about this shout out when I walk into the office tomorrow.
I never really know when a life lesson with Party Marty is going to happen, but somehow they always find a way of sneaking into our work day. Today's therapy session was next to the printer. Party Marty began asking me questions that I thought I knew the answers to. They were questions I have answered the same way for years and felt very confident in. But, like the pro that he is, Party Marty had me thinking maybe not?
Question number one was, do you care what other people think of you? As much as I wanted to say no, I had to say yes. I don't mean this in the sense of making a stupid snapchat story or acting like a crazy person in a crowd of people- with those type of things I have absolutely no shame. I mean it in a bigger sense- like the school I attend, the job I have, how I spend my summers...you get my point. I would be lying if I said I walk around everyday without thinking about how people place me on their scorecard of life. My best friend calls me a people pleaser, which I do not deny.
Question number two was, are you confident in yourself? Immediately, I answered yes. To my surprise, Marty told me I was not. He said that if I was confident in myslef, I wouldn't care about what other people thought of me in any sense. I have always felt that confidence was one of my strongest attributes. However, I realized today that confidence has taken on a new meaning in my life. It is no longer just the feeling of being ok with you are, or the ability to stand in front of a group of people and talk. Now, at this stage of my life, confidence is so much more. It's being able to chase after what you actually want to pursue. It is understanding that nothing from this point on is going to be easy. It is facing life knowing that the only way you are going to get what you want is if you got for it. More and more I am realizing that nothing just happens. Everyone that I aspire to be like has done scary things. Yes, I am very scared of scary things. But I have to do them.
So I guess at this point I have to say my confidence levels are a little low. I definitely don't have the balls to say exactly what I want. And I don't think I'm at the point where I'm ready to drop everything to find out exactly what that is. I still have time. Maybe, DEAR GOD HOPEFULLY, by the time I graduate college I will have all the confidence necessary to face life in the way that I know I am capable of. I know there will be a lot of mac n' cheese eaten in the time between. And I probably mean the instant kind- ain't nobody got time in college to wait for a pot full of water to start boiling.
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