I'm a mess

In the words of my dance teacher, my current life situation is a "hot mess."  Not saying that I'm hating the fact that it's 1 pm, I'm still in my pjs and only have two episodes left of Orange is the New Black, but I am saying that I probably shouldn't be doing any of these things in the middle of a Monday.

Here's what happened: I messed up.  I'm not going to get into the gory details because it's not THAT exciting, but enough happened for me to turn around and say, "yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that."  Enough happened for me to start this blog and actually put my thoughts into words.

While I've spent the last week basically holed up in my room, I can't help but think about life and what I'm supposed to do for the rest of mine.  I don't mean this in any sort of depressed way, I mean it in a way that I want to enjoy my time and not wake up every morning hating my job.  How am I supposed to get to my happy place?

What's especially hard for me is the fact that I feel like people around me (hi Mom and Dad) have certain ideas in their head of what I'm supposed to do or be.  For some people it's easy to say this is what I want, now I'm going to pursue it.  Not me.  If there is anything I'm afraid of, it's not living up to people's expectations.  For some reason, I have this ridiculous notion in my head that the things I might possibly want to pursue are not good enough.

Which brings to me to my main point...I'm 20-years-old and I've never cried more in my life. I'm not a cry baby, nor have I ever been categorized in that group of girls in my entire existence, but I am currently an emotional mess.  To be honest, I still haven't pinpointed exactly why. I do know that life is coming at me pretty fast and that definitely has something to do with it.

As of April, I've exited my teens and officially entered adulthood.  What's funny is that adulthood has brought me more confusion and uncertainty than I've ever experienced.  I'm about to enter my junior year of college and I have no idea what I'm doing.

While I know that I am not the only person going through this life crisis, I do feel as though I need to be more on top of my life.  Hopefully this will come with time.  I'm just anxious, what can I say? Until then, crying in college is just going to have to be ok.